Thursday, April 30, 2009


I am embarrassed to admit that I watch cartoons. Not just the Simpsons or Family Guy or Ren and Stimpy or the "adult" cartoons, I watch Tom and Jerry and Bugs Bunny and Daffy... and I laugh at them. I've probably seen them a million times and I know what is going to happen, but somehow it's still funny. The MGM cartoons are probably my favorite. I also watch cartoons I watched when I was a kid like Johnny Bravo and Rocko's Modern Life and Angry Beavers and The Fairly Odd Parents and Spongebob (ok, I might not have been a kid by then)...... well you get the picture. I like cartoons. I'm embarrassed about it, BUT I have to say...sometimes the News is terribly depressing. Cartoons are an escape for me. An escape from the stress of every day life. They truly make me laugh like a little kid. I don't feel any less intelligent for watching them. I just like stupid cartoons. Don't get me wrong, I don't ALWAYS watch cartoons. I have been known to watch more informative things at times that I am inclined to do so. BUT, cartoons are light and airy and they are noise to keep me from the dreaded quiet. They don't bog me down with worry and disgust. They are what they are and I like them. I'm still embarrassed to tell you that though.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Me, a Vegetarian?

I've always thought I should become a vegetarian but have not tried to do it. For several reasons: I like chicken way too much to give it up, we humans are predators we are supposed to eat meat, I don't like tofu - at all, I can't stand soy products or lentils, I like my occasional McD's Big Mac...mmmmm, another reason may or may not be laziness. I feel terrible for the way the animals are treated, I really do. I try not to think about it. What's more sad is that animals like pigs are very intelligent and make very good pets. :( It makes me want to cry. I try not to eat pork anymore, but I LOVE hot dogs and get cravings for them when I smell them. I haven't had one in a long time - probably over a year, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that going. Turkey dogs are really good too, but does that make it any better?! I'm on the fence and I'm trying to live on both sides... When I am invited to a pig roast, I can eat the pork as long as I have not seen the pig. If I see the pig, I cannot touch the pork. Especially if the carcass is on the same table. So weird that as a predator I cannot stand the site of an animal carcass. I cannot stand my meat to be rare or even medium rare, it has to be WELL done. On the flip side, I feel that hunting is a good thing and it keeps population down and I am happy if the hunter uses all of the meat and even the skin and bones for other purposes. I guess hunting and farming are different. Too bad I can't stand the taste of fresh game compared to a fast food burger... I guess I'll continue my meat eating from my fence for now.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Running Away

I was talking about books today and thought of my favorite book from my childhood. It was called Maniac Magee and it was about a boy who ran away and had some neat adventures along the way. He was fearless. He would join different people and live with them for a while and then just pick up and move on and find some other family or cult to become a part of. Me? I was too afraid to run away and never actually went through with it. I packed my suitcase - my Simpson's suitcase - a few times, but could never get further than my backyard. I would always think about my family and how they'd feel and then I'd start to tear up. I'd wipe my face and go back inside and pretend that nothing happened - I'd be too embarrassed to have to explain why I wanted to run away. One time I stayed in my bed for a whole day until my mom found me in the middle of the day (probably around 10 or 11am)... I was angry that no one was looking for me. But, I have to admit that eventually she was looking for me and found me. I was glad she did. I am not even sure why I was upset or angry, but I remember that after she found me, everything was ok. So, I think this book meant something to me because I wanted the experience of running away from it all and I could have it without actually doing it. I think I knew that the streets were no place for a child. It was a scary place as it was. If you've ever lost your parents in a store or got lost in the woods, you know exactly what I mean - scary for a kid anyway. I had a hard enough time being without my parents while I was at a babysitters or staying overnight somewhere... how could I leave them forever?! I really connected with the book and was able to get past the things that made me want to run away. I read this book over and over and over... So that's my story on this story.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What's Good?

Seems that there is so much sad and not good around me lately. I remember as a kid I would come home and my mom would ask me about school and I'd tell her all the horrible things that happened and she'd cut me off and say "What's good?!" Then she'd pry something good out of my day. At the time it was annoying, but really... my days can't all have been that bad. And even today.... I have a lot that's not good around me, but I want to talk about the good.

What's good?

My dog bite is healing quite well and it looks like there will hardly be a scar at all!
I deflected a scary dog chase and rushed my parent's pup indoors before she could run after a walker - phew!
I got a package in the mail - love getting packages!
It's one day closer to Friday!
No gym tonight... LOL!
I had a nice conversation via text message with my brother last night, he made me smile so much my dog bite hurt a little - I consider that a good hurt.
I'm trying to teach myself CSS and am starting to get the jist of it.
My dog is finally starting to listen to me - we're still working on it.
George the Cat is being extremely friendly with me lately, I guess that's good.
At work we are finishing our work with Account Management and I can see light at the end of the tunnel!
I have colored paperclips!!
I found wallpaper with an Alligator today... it's a long story, but it made me smile.

Ok, that should be enough happy for now. :)

And now it should be safe to tell you that I have a headache.......

Monday, April 20, 2009

To Adam


I am so sorry.

I'm sorry you had to suffer the pain of radiation.
I'm sorry that you had to get this horrid disease at such a young age.
I'm sorry that my mother is hurting over your passing.
I'm sorry that you had to have one of the worst cancers there are.
I'm sorry that you knew your fate was coming.
I'm sorry that I did not get a chance to say goodbye.
I'm sorry for your family and your friends who are heartbroken.
I'm sorry that we will miss your smile and your charm.
I'm sorry that the company will have to live on without you.
I'm sorry that they had to have a service for you today.
I'm sorry that you were in so much pain.
I'm sorry that you had to be on oxygen.
I'm sorry that you spent your last few months fighting and not living.
I'm sorry that my mother will not get to hear your funny stories anymore.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry that I met you.
I'm not sorry that you were a part of my mother's life.
I'm not sorry that the company will close for a day to remember you.
I'm not sorry that you were such a good friend to my mother.
I'm not sorry that you are now pain free.
I'm not sorry that I cried when I thought about your smile.
I'm not sorry that you left a mark on a lot of people's lives.
I'm not sorry that you will be remembered for a long time.

It is raining today. I like when it rains for someone who has passed. It feels like the earth is crying for you. It rained at my Popop's funeral a little. It just felt like the earth agreed that it lost an honorable soul. Today is no different, actually it is raining harder than it did way back in 1993. Adam, I hope that you are ok wherever you are. I hope that you can see how much you meant to everyone and how many lives you have touched. Your story is a tragic one, but you were so much larger than life and your story will change lives. I hope that someday they will find a cure for cancer that doesn't involve radiation. RIP, Adam.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

When the Dog Bites

So I haven't posted on here in a while and this time I have a good excuse. A dog bit me. I'm totally serious. Let me first tell you that I am a dog person. I love dogs. I have lived with dogs all my life. A lot of my family members have had dogs and so I have been exposed to many different dogs. Including a Sheepdog, Great Peirnese dogs, German Shepherds, a Poodle, Labs, Boonie dogs, Rotweilers, Mutts, a Greyhound, a Whippet, and I'm sure there's a dog or two that I'm forgetting... But lots of different types of dogs. Mostly friendly dogs. Some I knew not to go near. They would warn you and growl at you and give you the mean eye. The dog that bit me however, did not. It was my cousin's dog. He was wagging his tail and bringing me toys and when I thought he was lifting his head up to lick my face...boy was I in for quite a shock. I'm not proud of what I yelled, but I was glad that I had people around me to work quickly to get me fixed up. I yelled "Oh my God!" and on Easter Sunday!! My brother always yells at me for saying things like that. I guess it's just a phrase that became a part of my vocabulary years ago and I never gave it any thought. It doesn't mean to me what it means to others. It is just an exclamation for me. Anyway, I now have 5 stitches in my face and am in the healing process both physically and mentally. The day after it happened I kept having flashbacks to when it happened and could feel the dog biting me over and over... that was such mental torture. I actually went to work that day to keep my mind off of things. I think it helped a little. I was pretty tired by the end of the day though. It's been hard to sleep, but last night I think I slept better than the other nights. It's only been 3 days since the incident and I am hoping that in time, this will not be a large part of my daily thoughts. My thoughts go from -what was the dog thinking?- to -my mom was also there and her face was close to him too, what if it had been her?!- to -i want to kick that dog in the head- to -i feel so bad for a dog who has to live a life in fear like that.- to -what is my cousin going to do with her dog? is she afraid of her own dog because of what happened?- It's just so stressful. I'm trying my best (per my mom's suggestion) to let go of things that I do not need to deal with, like my cousin and her dog. My mom is right, it's not my problem. My problem is healing and getting sleep. I'm waiting for things to get back to normal. That's all I really want right now. No stitches, no bruises, no cuts, no stinging pain, no trouble eating because I'm worried I'll split my stitches. However, I also want to note that I am VERY LUCKY!!! This whole thing could have been so much worse. My nose, ears, and eyes are all still intact (even though I dreamt he bit my nose off). I'm so lucky and I am so thankfull that things are not worse. If this had to happen, I'm glad it happened the way it did. I am also thankful for a family that is quick to react and who was pretty calm during the whole event. I can't imagine going to an ER alone and having to explain what happened when all you want to do is get it over with and leave the ER already.

PS, I've never seen the move The Sound of Music. It was on the other day, but I didn't get a chance to watch it. I've heard it is good, so I might just have to rent it. :)

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I would like to take the time to talk about Italy.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost their homes, their family members, or both. This is such a tragedy. I feel such grief when I hear about what happened that I can hardly stand to watch the news. If I really listen to what the people are saying I'm certain it would bring me to tears. I listen to the death toll, but try not to compare how many people that would be where I live because it would hurt too much. I feel bad that I can't open myself to listen to the news or really understand what's going on, but I fear that if I do, I would be a mess. It is too easy for me to empathize with people and feel what they are going through, even if I've never had an experience anywhere close. I think it is something special about me, but something that I like to stay away from. It gives me great passion, but also great sadness.

One thing that made me smile through all of this was Madonna's (Madonna Louise Ciccone) donation. Madonna has Italian heritage, but that certainly didn't mean she had to donate her money to help them. It was a very nice gesture on her part. I have also heard that the First Lady of France has donated money as well. I am very thankful for people who have the means to fill a need and do.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Lil Bro

As an older sister I am always feeling the urge to protect my brother. Even though he is an adult and he can certainly take care of himself, I still see him as the little boy in day care who begged me not to go to school and leave him at the babysitters. He didn’t get along with that particular babysitter and I had to leave him in tears on a few occasions. It was heart breaking and even as I watch him in his struggles now, I still see that tear stained face looking up at me asking me for help. I’m not exactly sure why I feel the need to protect him and I’m sure he doesn’t really want or need to be protected. Sometimes I wonder if the guilt of not having been able to help him then pushes me to try to help him now. I guess I feel that maybe I can spare him some of the struggles I’ve been through by sharing my experiences and what I have learned from them. I don’t like to see him hurt. What’s even more surprising is that my brother and I don’t always get along. Probably from my need to make sure he is ok. It may seem controlling to him. My mother has yelled at me for this for years, but I think that it is just part of being an older sibling. As an older sibling you want to protect the younger ones and make sure that things are ok. What’s funny is that we are not that far apart in age, but I still feel the urge to help him. Now I am slowly learning to keep my distance and let him come to me. If he needs me, he knows where I am.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Of all the years I've been on this planet, I have not had any experiences that would lead me to believe in ghosts.

I have decided that either:

A. there are no ghosts and the things people experience can be explained by science


B. the ghosts know that they will scare the crap out of me if they show themselves so they stay the heck away

In either case, if you asked me if I believed in ghosts, I would tell you no.

I have friends that believe in ghosts and have told me stories about things that have happened to them that make me cringe thinking about it. But it's just not good enough proof for me.

The idea of ghosts really scares me despite my belief. I have watched movies like "Skelton Key" and "What Lies Beneath" that kept me up for hours past my bed time worrying that maybe I'm wrong. However, the next morning I'm usually back to my old non-believing self. These two movies really make you think about it though... ever watched them? I really liked them, but am a little hesitant to watch them a second time...haha!