Saturday, January 31, 2009


Some nights when I think I'm tired and am headed to bed, my mind starts going in circles. I feel like I should be doing something, but what is it? I need to do something... I need to do something constructive. I can never quite put my finger on what it is I need to do. Because I have no clue what my mind wants me to do, I end up on the internet, watching tv, or reading a magazine. Sometimes I grab my gameboy or a handheld game and play it in the dark until I can barely keep my eyes open. Other times I force myself to ignore the pounding urge to DO something and try to go to bed - sleep does not come easily, I count sheep, replay random memories, think about what I want to do tomorrow... then it comes full circle to what in the world am I supposed to be doing right now? It's like I forgot that I was supposed to be searching for the Holy Grail and I am trying to remember the great task that I was meant for. ARGH! Why in the world do I get these strange urges that there is seriously something I am supposed to be doing right now and sleep is really not important - even if I know I will feel like crap the next morning and the rest of that day... I didn't even have any caffeine this evening. Sometimes that keeps me up, but that just keeps my mind racing, it doesn't keep me focused on something I have to be doing.

Wouldn't it be so ironic if sleep was my Holy Grail and I'm trying to figure out what I need to be doing and it's just whacked is that?

Does anyone else in the world have this strange feeling? Maybe it's my creative side telling me that I'm trying to squelch it and I seriously need to find an outlet...

Friday, January 30, 2009

I love Rainbows!

When I was a kid I had a bedroom with a HUGE wallpaper rainbow on one of the walls. It was so pretty... under the rainbow there were yellow dandilions and green grass. When my parents brought us to look at the house it was the first room I saw and pretty much where I spent the whole time we were there. I was running around in circles in the room shouting "this is my room," "this is my room!" And didn't you know it, that became my room. It was a little large for a small girl and I forget the reason the room was given to me...but it was MY room with the RAINBOW! :D Maybe that's why I'm so fond of my childhood... I had some neat stuff.

So now, I still love rainbows, they are pretty and colorful and just so impressive. When I was a kid I always thought, I have to find that wallpaper and put it in my house when I'm a grownup. Too bad I will not have a rainbow on any of my walls anytime soon. Reason 1, I'm not a little kid, Reason 2, I'm not gay...and this point upsets me. Why did whoever decide to use the rainbow as a gay symbol? It's so not fair. If I wanted to put a rainbow sticker on the bumper of my car, people would assume I was gay - which is whatever - but I don't want it to mean that. To me it means something completely different. It means me waking up and watching the sun shine on my rainbow and telling me that I'm going to have a good day. It was my happiness. To me, it was something to help me keep my head up. It was something that got me through the wintery days that seemed to drag on forever...through the dark nights that I couldn't go outside and play for very long. It was a peice of heaven for me.

I wonder if my parents ever knew how much that rainbow meant to me...? They probably did, they saw me running circles around the room and claiming it was mine! Lol. They knew I was a crazy kid.

Now that I think about it... rainbows don't even do it... it was THAT rainbow. I need that rainbow. I think I'm going to go look at wallpapers now...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Then what?

So no one really knows what it is like when we die. No one can tell anyone from experience. I guess it is just something we all have to find out on our own. I've never been good with that. I like knowing what I'm in for...and yet it seems that everything I do I have to learn the hard way anyway. Argh.

So yeah death is a scary thing for me...and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I hate to think about it, talk about it, read about it... I get this panicky feeling and I feel like my heart drops into my stomach. I get cold and clammy and get this feeling of impending doom. It's not because I don't believe in God or I don't believe that there is nothing good after, it's because I really don't have a CLUE! I can read all of the spiritual and religious readings I can find and I will still get that choked up feeling of death.

How ironic that when I think about death, I feel like I'm actually dying. Bleh. How unpleasant.

Anyway, I hold hope in the people that say they've had near death experiences, and the fact that they all say similar things about a white light and being able to see their bodies below, and about being able to hear things the doctors and nurses have said. That gives me hope. Hope that there is something good after and it's nothing to be afraid of. Hope that I will hold onto until that day comes. Lol, I keep feeling like what if I can get out of it if I have good behavior... if I just do this or that... maybe God will leave me on this plane that I have come to love and want to enjoy for 100s of years.

This is one of the reasons I like to think about the possibility of reincarnation. Wouldn't it be great to be able to come back to this world and explore it through a new perspective. I think I would want to be something that can move freely, not like a plant or a sea creature that can't explore the land. I'm not so sure what I would want to be, but I hope it would be something with a complex thought process.

What would you want to be?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Ok, I was just sitting here at my desk thinking that someday when I have kids, I'll have to give them a name that would make a cool user ID when their first initial and last name is used... oh my...

You can tell I'm soooo not a geek! LMAO

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Blog reader says what...!

I forget the movie, but it's funny...admit it...
Anyone remember what movie/show this is from?

It's Snowing!

I don't know why but I'm always excited to see snow. Even if I know I have to drive in it and it's not going to be so pretty when my tires are sliding over it. I feel like such a little kid though. I don't know why, but I think snow makes everything look so pretty. Somehow, the snow makes the cold worth it. I think it helps to have many great memories of sledding with my friends and coming home to some hot cocoa --how do mom's do that?! My mom is something else. She always knew when we'd be home. She'd have the hot cocoa or hot jello (try it!) ready as soon as we walked in the door. She knew things... things that I swear she'd have to be a mind reader to know. I won't go there though, I could write a book about the things my mom just knew.

Snow! It meant that maybe I would get to stay home from school. It meant that there was a good chance my brother and I would be sledding that night. It meant that even if I had to go to school there was something cool going on outside and if I was bored I could sneak a peak outside and watch the swirly flakes dance to the ground. So cool! Way cooler than learning about a hissing cockroach - bleh.

Now, I watch them swirl and blow from my cubicle window and I still feel excited. Now, I play with my pup Topanga in the snow. She LOVES the snow! I think that dog was meant to be with me. She will run amok and I will throw loose snowballs at her to catch in her mouth. We have so much fun. Too bad it's been a while since we had enough snow to do that. I think that this week will prove to be more than enough - I hope. :P

--you didn't hear me just hoping for more snow... Shhh!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Distracted by my own thoughts

I get so distracted by my own thoughts. I will be trying to work on something or listen to someone and I find my mind wandering. It's not because I don't care about what I'm doing or what people are saying or even what I'm reading (I end up re-reading paragraphs like five times over!), it is because I have so much on my mind. Ok, maybe not SO much, but if I have a pressing issue or something that I feel needs my attention... I keep thinking about it and think it to death. I think about all the possibilities, all the what-ifs...

Today is one of those days. I have had to re-read everything and ask people to repeat themselves (ugh, I hate asking that!). I am very easily distracted outside things, but when it's within my own head...I feel so lost to this world. Some days I wonder why my mind doesn't just shut up! I want it to stop....I don't want to think sometimes. That's usually when I go home and turn on some mindless tv.

Does anyone else feel like they have a constant annoying narration going on in their mind? How do you make it stop?

Sunday, January 25, 2009


My dog makes me laugh. She is a mutt, a pretty dog in my opinion. Anyway, she is a sneaky licker. She waits until someone is bending over to tie their shoes to go right up in their faces and lick their face off. Most people don't like this kind of assault and that's what makes it even funnier. I know, I know...I should be yelling at her for it. I usually do because it is the respectful thing to do...but it's still funny.

Another thing she does that makes me laugh is when she decides to walk up to the wood stove and warm herself up. She randomly walks over to the stove and stands right in front of it. She stays there for a few minutes and then walks away and goes back to whatever it was she was doing before she needed to warm up. What dog does that?! LOLOL! I've never seen a dog do that.

Does anyone else like to torment their dogs? Haha. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog to death, but I find it hilarious to scare my dog. Sometimes if she is looking at a bug on the ground I will run my fingernail along the hairs on her back and she freaks out thinking there's something on her. Poor girl... I feel a little bad about it, but for all the times she gets in people's faces, maybe she deserves a little payback. Plus it makes me laugh...and there's not much that can make me laugh that hard!

Friday, January 23, 2009


My favorite day of the week! Favorite because I am anticipating the weekend. It's the last day I have to work. Strange that my favorite day wouldn't be Saturday or Sunday when I don't have to work at all. I guess the anticipation of an awesome weekend is good enough. Plus...Friday nights there is and was always something going on. A football game, movie night, sleepovers, bar hopping, concert going, date night. Even boring Friday nights are good enough for me. A night of relaxing and knowing that the next morning there is a good chance I will be able to sleep in for an extra hour or two makes me happy. And don't let me forget that sometimes Fridays are dress-down days at work, those are the BEST Fridays ever!

Does anyone else have "Friday clothes?" I'm such a dork! I have certain shirts that I try to wear on Fridays because they are my nicest or they are the most comfortable. If I had a favorite shirt I would keep track of it all week and make sure it was clean by Friday just in case I wanted to wear it. I hardly ever have trouble getting dressed on a Friday. Other days I try things on and toss them asside. I may not know what I will wear on a Wednesday, but I usually already have in mind what I will wear that Friday. Sometimes I steal my "Friday" clothes if I am desperate. I hate when I do that.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I always hated seeing people post that on people's blog comments, it seems rude to me and a waste of a comment. But if I really think about it, depending on how many people read the blog and then only read the first few comments, it is kind of cool to be -First!-. But seriously, don't you have more to say than "first"?!

Well, this is my First! post. It is more for me than anything else...but whoever wants to read it is welcome. Welcome, to my crazy world where the posts will be weird, well most of them. Weird, should have used that in the name of my blog somehow.

Speaking of naming my blog, Neon Mouse was a name I slapped together quick to see if anyone had used it already. Nope. Other names I was thinking about were Cubester Chronicles, Chronicles from the Cube, Life in a Cube, Cube Buddy, Rubik's Cubester... then I started thinking about my childhood in the 80s/90s. Things I loved: my black converse high tops with puffy paint - NEON puffy paint, snap bracelets, my cool clothes, the music, the cartoons! Ok, now that I had my love of the 80s/90s in mind I had to think about a way to incorporate that into computers - something else I love... Neon Mouse - eh, it's just ok...Neon PC - NO, Neon... Neon...mouse...FINE, I can't get that out of my head now. Neon Mouse it is. Hey, that's not too bad. Now that I think about it, I actually like it. I think I might LOVE it. Ok. So that's that.

Yeah, I'm an 80s/90s kid, pre-millenium. Nintendo, Michael Jackson (before wacko jacko), NKOTB, MC Hammer, Ninja Turtles... Man, it was all just wicked cool! I loved the 80s. Probably because I didn't have a mortgage, I didn't have to go to work, and I certainly didn't have to go to the gym to work off a doughnut. Things were easier and nothing was important, unless NKOTB were on tv -then that was pretty important. Oh, and building forts was important business too. You had to get supplies, always had to look for supplies. Other than that, nothing too pressing.